First thing first
I do not think relationship discussions can reach a global optimum. Therefore, the following are my opinions that are probably not generalizable.
What does liking somebody mean to me
The world is a puzzle. I want to know your answer and share mine with you.
It is a very irrational feeling because surely there are people who can better answer some of the questions better than the person next to you. But you feel so closely connected to the person that you believe even if their answer is imperfect, it is the one that you are looking for.
Learning and expansion-oriented
I believe education is an intrinsic part of any relationship, romantic ones or just friendship. I am looking for someone who can offer and accept guidance in each other’s “blind zone” and “discomfort zone”. That is to say, someone who helps me understand my imperfections and correct them; someone who encourages me to expand my life; and someone that welcomes me to do the same.
This has some practical implications. I may not be looking for a “traditional” relationship that consummates in a daily routine where every family member comes home for dinner and (small) talk about what happened in the day. Although I believe family reunions are necessary and people should stick together when anyone needs support, gatherings should not be deemed compulsory if no one can benefit from the discussion, intellectually or emotionally. I think the hallmark of a close relationship is to pick up a conversation as before even though the two have not spoken for “ages”. This is not my expectation for a relationship, but a good stress test to prove that frequency of interaction is not necessary for the depth of the relationship.
Of course, the sweet spot is that everyone in the family experiences rapid personal evolution and we gather more often to celebrate these growths. Even though it may be a bit idealised, we should work hard to make this happen and not be satisfied by mundane conversations. One way to make it sustainable is to actively explore together, so we are still expanding our life even without necessarily learning from each other in every interaction. Examples of exploration include travelling, picking up various hobbies, and gaining novel experiences together. We could also be comrade-in-arms in pursuing our dreams (here are mine).
I see family as a harbour: to go far, we must accept the ships to not come back as often, but our compasses always know the harbour is there when we need a place to repair and rest.
The house analogy: realism and authenticity
We are all tenants in a relationship and the other person is like both a house and a landlord.
The “house” is the part that you interact with. It is the part that gives one security. It also seems to be the part that you have some control over - this is where people invest in a relationship. They help their romantic partner to become better and that also improves their quality of life while they live there. Yet, regardless of how many decorations you have, things fundamental about the house will not easily change - e.g. its locations - just like a person. Therefore, we should be realistic about how much we can change our incompatibility with others.
The “landlord” part is the person’s autonomy that we do not have control over. We may spend ages decorating a house, but the house still belongs to the landlord. This sends a difficult message because we should invest in each other when in a relationship, but we may not be the beneficiary of such investments. On the other hand, I am not preaching for signing a 60-page legal document before any serious relationship. I am, however, advocating for radical honesty, authentic communication, and realistic expectation for what we want from a relationship.
Enjoy the present
I have been a future-oriented person. In the past, one reason why I wanted to be in a relationship was that even when I was “relaxing”, I am still building a relationship for my future. However, one thing I learned in Tango is that no matter how good one dance has been, there exists a possibility where you move on and dance with others. When someone leaves you as a romantic partner, it means they also open more space for you to explore other things life has to offer.
As in the house analogy, I no longer take the lasting prospect of relationships for granted. I will still work on long-term relationships with good people, friends or lovers, but “till death do us part” has been decoupled from any relationships in this ever-changing society, so I will not pursue relationships on the assumption that this is in the bundle. Rather, I will work on it as an empirical possibility. I believe this allows me to treat each person as an individual and respect their own agenda.
Romance has no intrinsic values: love the person, not the concept
By denying intrinsic values of romance as a concept, I believe we can come back to the purest version of any romantic relationship: enjoying the other person’s presence.
One reason why some people (e.g. past me) are eager to get rid of singlehood is because of the values they attached to romance: companionship, marriage, children. However, in modern society, you can get all these without seeking a romantic relationship. Companionship can come from friends; marriage traditionally was for business alliance than for symbolisation of love; children can be adopted. What this implies is we should be clear about what we want. Attaching too much value to romance itself could mislead us to start/stay in a relationship for things other than the person themself.
Scientifically, the romantic feeling is partly due to dopamine release in anticipation of a reward. This makes it not much different from other “addictions” (without negative connotations), from gyming to substance abuse. Breaking this emotion down to its physiological mechanism allows me to be a bit realistic: there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so. Having such feelings with someone who likes you back helps to form strong bonds, but it also causes suffering when it is unrequited.
In summary, romance is like spice. It does not have much nutrition on its own and can spoil some dishes. However, some dishes become tastier; that is why we search for them.
Closing thoughts
I look forward to a relationship full of “learning, laughing and loving together”. Let me end with something less cerebral - a poem from Shel Silverstein - a poem that tells us how we have to be truthful to get what we want.
“She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew.”
― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It